Couples are sharply divided over when they should discuss how much they earn, with some New York 20-somethings saying they have never exchanged figures with a long-term partner, according to interviews conducted by the BBC.
The BBC spoke to people in the city about whether there is a right moment to raise the subject, noting that asking too soon can appear to be an assessment of someone’s bank balance, while waiting too long can mean building a future with someone without knowing their financial position. A BBC video on the topic put the question to both New Yorkers and Londoners.
Emily Moretta, 26, who works in insurance, has been with her boyfriend for two years and told the BBC they have still not explicitly told one another their salaries, adding that he does not know what she earns. She believes he likely has a rough sense of it, but said neither of them has felt the need to ask. Any conversation would come later, she said, and only once they reached the point of moving in together.
Willa Morton, 25, who works in tech sales, questioned whether couples need to disclose their pay at all, describing a salary as just a number and suggesting that someone’s lifestyle and spending give a reasonable indication of what they earn. She has told her boyfriend that she does not earn a great deal, but has not asked him for a figure in return.
Her boyfriend, a company founder whose income fluctuates, earns more than she does, she said, describing him as the freer spender while she is the one who objects to high costs. Their dates typically come to about $200 (£150), with him usually covering the bill and her picking up smaller expenses such as coffee — an arrangement she described as an unspoken rule.
For others, the dividing line is the moment a relationship becomes official. Alexa Ludato, 25, who works in insurance, said she would only have the discussion once she was formally with someone, and that before then she would prefer to know what a person does for a living rather than what they are paid.
Her friend Vik Sunderaj, 22, agreed that the subject belongs to serious relationships only, calling a salary question in the first few dates slightly crazy. He said he would answer honestly if asked but would not raise it himself, and that a date’s insistence on knowing his earnings would probably signal they were not the right match for him.
Bridget Shurdut, 26, who works in sales, said she would find it incredibly odd to be asked about her salary within the first few dates and would be unlikely to keep seeing that person. She said she would still answer, but that the question would act as a red flag, and that she cares far more about whether someone is ambitious and driven than about their income.
Dating and relationship coach Kate Mansfield takes a different view, telling the BBC that money conversations should begin much earlier than many people assume. She said the first few dates are the time to explore how each person handles spending, saving, generosity, lifestyle and financial independence, because those attitudes shape whether two people are compatible.
COMMENTS