Helen, 71, and Ian, 74, have credited a sex podcast with opening up a new way of communicating in their relationship, telling the Guardian’s “This is how we do it” series that talking through what they had listened to together has improved their intimacy.
The couple, who met 15 years ago, said the change began on a road trip five years ago, when they put on an episode of Sex With Emily to pass the time. Helen said she had never heard anyone talk about sex in that way before. From then on, they would listen to a sex podcast, pause it and discuss it.
Helen said the dialogue made her more curious and more adventurous. She said she had discovered she likes being spanked, and that her orgasms have become stronger because she is more relaxed.
Before that, the couple’s differing appetites had caused unspoken tension. Helen said Ian is much more sexual than she is, that his love language is physical touch while hers is quality time, and that she simply does not think about sex as much as he does.
They now plan sex roughly twice a week, which Helen said gives her the space to get in the mood. She said she needs quality time first, and that if the two have been talking and feeling close she is more likely to want sex.
Ian said he would make love to Helen every day, and twice on Sundays, describing sex as “our glue”. He said he has learned that feeling close has to come first for her, so he tries to give her what she needs — trips to the dog park, grocery shopping, time spent together — which he likened to foreplay.
He said a week without sex leaves him missing the closeness, feeling defensive and pushing Helen away, and asking himself whether they had fought or whether one of them was ill. He said he has learned not to take it personally, and that they rarely go longer than a week.
Helen said Ian has a pass to have sex with men, though he has rarely used it. Ian said he raised the possibility a few years ago when he blurted out that he wanted to explore the fantasy, and that Helen is comfortable with it because it does not make her feel threatened. It has happened twice in the past five years. The couple also have a guest room they call their playground, and Ian said they have explored some kink.
Helen said sex does not threaten her, but emotional intimacy does. She said Ian makes her feel safe and desired, sometimes too much, and that when he pinches her bottom in the supermarket or kisses her neck while she cooks, she has learned to read it as affection rather than as an attempt to initiate sex.
Because they met in their 50s and their children are grown up, the pair said they can concentrate on being partners to one another, with more space and time to explore. Helen said they get to wake up and ask what they are doing that day, then agree to make love later. She said they call such days, when they simply hang out and do as they please, “snow days”.
Ian said that when he first met Helen he thought she was a shiny, bright thing — light and fun, and the opposite of his ex, whom he described as negative and controlling. He said he falls more in love with her every day, adding that she has a great body and that while she is 71 she looks 51, but that it is the way she is with people that really turns him on.
He said sex has always been a form of validation for him and still is, though not to the same degree. He said he thinks about sex all the time, but that he is much calmer about it since getting older. Because his body no longer responds as it once did, he said, he has become more patient and sex is no longer so goal-oriented. With more time and fewer stressors, he said, their intimacy has grown.
Helen met Ian through her best friend, Susan, whom he was dating 15 years ago. Susan invited her to dinner at his house, and Helen said she thought he was cute the moment he opened the door. Susan and Ian broke up after 10 months and she began seeing someone else, after which Helen asked for his contact details and the pair went on a date. Helen said that when she telephoned Susan to say she was in love, Susan was totally silent. She said it came down to Susan or Ian, and she chose him — one of the best decisions she has ever made.
COMMENTS